1 00:00:00,750 --> 00:00:02,324 - hot in cleveland is recorded 2 00:00:02,347 --> 00:00:04,561 In front Of a live studio audience. 3 00:00:04,583 --> 00:00:06,348 - where do I begin? 4 00:00:06,372 --> 00:00:08,169 My business is in shambles. 5 00:00:08,192 --> 00:00:10,214 I'm about to be deported. 6 00:00:10,237 --> 00:00:11,619 My fake fiance dumped me, 7 00:00:11,642 --> 00:00:14,078 So I can't even keep A phony relationship going. 8 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:18,231 Oh, and yesterday I lost a tooth. 9 00:00:18,254 --> 00:00:20,020 No warning, Just sneezed... 10 00:00:20,043 --> 00:00:24,012 My upper-right molar flew out, Landed in my purse. 11 00:00:24,035 --> 00:00:26,216 So be honest. 12 00:00:26,239 --> 00:00:28,420 Do you think I'm projecting Feelings of insecurity 13 00:00:28,443 --> 00:00:30,465 Because I'm clinically codependent? 14 00:00:30,488 --> 00:00:33,147 - I think this works better If you come closer 15 00:00:33,170 --> 00:00:36,948 To the crystal ball. 16 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,057 - no offense, But I can't stare 17 00:00:39,079 --> 00:00:41,068 At that ridiculous ball. 18 00:00:41,091 --> 00:00:44,071 - no problem. We go off the ball. 19 00:00:44,095 --> 00:00:46,754 Now, I give you Something to help, 20 00:00:46,777 --> 00:00:50,044 But you have To keep open mind. 21 00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:53,365 They are spanx. 22 00:00:53,389 --> 00:00:55,570 - spanx? 23 00:00:55,593 --> 00:00:58,573 I'm confused, Not to mention offended. 24 00:00:58,595 --> 00:01:01,510 - these not ordinary spanx... 25 00:01:01,533 --> 00:01:03,172 Magic spanx. 26 00:01:03,195 --> 00:01:05,534 They shape and control... 27 00:01:05,557 --> 00:01:07,197 The future. 28 00:01:07,219 --> 00:01:10,358 - right. Magic spanx. 29 00:01:10,381 --> 00:01:11,763 Do you validate parking? 30 00:01:11,787 --> 00:01:14,319 Because I'd like to get Something out of this. 31 00:01:20,379 --> 00:01:21,921 "Cute oliver." 32 00:01:21,944 --> 00:01:23,166 "Cute oliver"? 33 00:01:23,189 --> 00:01:24,795 Oh, my god. Cute oliver... 34 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:26,680 The guy I met at the market A few months ago. 35 00:01:26,702 --> 00:01:29,907 - spanx is working. 36 00:01:29,930 --> 00:01:33,100 - hello. Yes, this is joy. 37 00:01:33,123 --> 00:01:34,698 Of course I remember you... 38 00:01:34,721 --> 00:01:37,636 Tall, brown eyes, Wobbly wheel on your cart. 39 00:01:37,659 --> 00:01:38,753 Oh. 40 00:01:38,777 --> 00:01:40,798 Saturday night. 41 00:01:40,820 --> 00:01:42,107 Brilliant. 42 00:01:42,130 --> 00:01:46,196 I will see you then. Bye. 43 00:01:46,220 --> 00:01:48,273 - $300. 44 00:01:48,296 --> 00:01:51,051 - $300 for a pair of spanx? 45 00:01:51,074 --> 00:01:53,830 - I'll save them For the next customer. 46 00:01:53,853 --> 00:01:55,619 - do psychics take Credit cards? 47 00:01:55,641 --> 00:01:57,908 - anything but discover. 48 00:02:03,913 --> 00:02:05,520 - these things have brought us Nothing but misery. 49 00:02:05,543 --> 00:02:06,766 I say we burn them. 50 00:02:06,789 --> 00:02:08,107 - ooh, I don't know. Do you think it's legal? 51 00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:09,641 You can't burn leaves anymore. 52 00:02:09,663 --> 00:02:11,014 - oh, please. 53 00:02:11,036 --> 00:02:12,260 You can burn anything. 54 00:02:12,283 --> 00:02:15,742 I once set fire To ryan o'neal's porsche. 55 00:02:15,764 --> 00:02:18,125 Well, he wasn't in it. 56 00:02:21,321 --> 00:02:23,939 - cincinnati blows! 57 00:02:25,538 --> 00:02:27,241 - oh, indians lose again? 58 00:02:27,263 --> 00:02:28,422 - ugh. 59 00:02:28,446 --> 00:02:30,371 We got swept by the reds... 60 00:02:30,393 --> 00:02:33,788 Stupid interleague play. 61 00:02:33,811 --> 00:02:35,449 - I bet all the ladies From the senior center 62 00:02:35,472 --> 00:02:37,142 Were pretty bummed On the bus ride home, huh? 63 00:02:37,165 --> 00:02:40,017 - there were more balled-up Tissues on that floor 64 00:02:40,040 --> 00:02:43,263 Than in a teenage boy's Bedroom. 65 00:02:45,310 --> 00:02:46,724 - elka! 66 00:02:46,747 --> 00:02:48,001 - what? 67 00:02:48,024 --> 00:02:51,005 Teenagers cry a lot... 68 00:02:51,028 --> 00:02:52,729 'cause they want it so bad, 69 00:02:52,752 --> 00:02:55,220 And they're Just not getting any. 70 00:02:55,243 --> 00:02:57,584 - listen... 71 00:02:57,607 --> 00:02:59,276 I know it's not a great time To be a fan, 72 00:02:59,299 --> 00:03:00,330 But come on. 73 00:03:00,353 --> 00:03:01,385 You are a grady's lady. 74 00:03:01,408 --> 00:03:03,525 And win or lose, Grady sizemore is still 75 00:03:03,548 --> 00:03:06,177 One of the best-looking Players around, right? 76 00:03:06,199 --> 00:03:09,327 - he did help me learn How to use google images. 77 00:03:11,086 --> 00:03:14,257 So what are you Three bats doing 78 00:03:14,279 --> 00:03:17,419 Flapping around the fireplace? 79 00:03:17,442 --> 00:03:19,655 - we were about To set these ablaze. 80 00:03:19,677 --> 00:03:22,338 - you're burning a girdle? 81 00:03:22,361 --> 00:03:23,807 - it's not a girdle. 82 00:03:23,830 --> 00:03:25,915 - well, it looks Like a girdle. 83 00:03:25,938 --> 00:03:28,055 - no, it's spanx. It's a shaper. 84 00:03:28,078 --> 00:03:30,866 - so it's a girdle. 85 00:03:30,889 --> 00:03:33,294 - it's a compression garment That makes a smooth line 86 00:03:33,317 --> 00:03:34,443 Under your clothes. 87 00:03:34,467 --> 00:03:35,817 - oh. 88 00:03:35,840 --> 00:03:38,723 Oh, I have a compression garment Like that. 89 00:03:38,747 --> 00:03:40,534 It's called a girdle. 90 00:03:50,852 --> 00:03:54,151 - so why do you have To burn the spanx? 91 00:03:54,173 --> 00:03:55,876 - I was so desperate For advice, 92 00:03:55,899 --> 00:03:57,888 I went to a psychic, And she swore 93 00:03:57,911 --> 00:03:59,900 These would bring me luck, But they didn't. 94 00:03:59,923 --> 00:04:03,861 - well, obviously, the only Authentic psychics are in l.A. 95 00:04:03,884 --> 00:04:06,416 - I know it's silly, But the moment I touched these, 96 00:04:06,439 --> 00:04:09,259 This guy I'd been dying To hear from suddenly called. 97 00:04:09,282 --> 00:04:11,911 We made a date, I slipped on the magic spanx, 98 00:04:11,934 --> 00:04:13,859 And I truly believed things Were finally 99 00:04:13,882 --> 00:04:15,744 Going to turn around for me. 100 00:04:15,767 --> 00:04:18,863 - I like where this is heading. 101 00:04:25,476 --> 00:04:26,731 - joy? 102 00:04:26,755 --> 00:04:28,967 - oliver. 103 00:04:28,990 --> 00:04:30,595 Wow. A tux. 104 00:04:30,619 --> 00:04:32,033 And I was worried I was overdressed. 105 00:04:32,055 --> 00:04:33,406 - no, you look great. 106 00:04:33,429 --> 00:04:35,642 Um, please come in. 107 00:04:35,665 --> 00:04:39,411 - I'm so glad This finally happened. 108 00:04:39,434 --> 00:04:41,296 - joy, this is awkward. 109 00:04:41,319 --> 00:04:43,307 I think on the day we met At the market, 110 00:04:43,330 --> 00:04:44,938 I met another lady, A young lady, 111 00:04:44,961 --> 00:04:47,748 Not that you're not young. 112 00:04:47,771 --> 00:04:49,409 But I'm looking For a babysitter 113 00:04:49,432 --> 00:04:51,006 For my three-year-old son, And I think 114 00:04:51,029 --> 00:04:53,466 I wrote down her number Next to yours, 115 00:04:53,489 --> 00:04:54,967 So when I called you... 116 00:04:54,990 --> 00:04:56,308 - you were looking For a babysitter. 117 00:04:56,331 --> 00:04:57,842 - I am so sorry. 118 00:04:57,864 --> 00:04:59,694 You know, I didn't remember The babysitter 119 00:04:59,717 --> 00:05:02,120 Having an english accent, But then I thought, "Great. 120 00:05:02,144 --> 00:05:04,421 She sounds just Like mary poppins." 121 00:05:04,444 --> 00:05:06,369 - yes, well, It's gonna take more 122 00:05:06,392 --> 00:05:09,819 Than a spoonful of sugar To make this one go down. 123 00:05:09,842 --> 00:05:11,927 - I am so sorry, and I... 124 00:05:11,949 --> 00:05:13,237 I know this Is out of line, 125 00:05:13,259 --> 00:05:15,280 But would you consider Staying anyway? 126 00:05:15,303 --> 00:05:17,358 I wouldn't ask, But I'm in a bind. 127 00:05:17,380 --> 00:05:19,625 Tonight's a really Big night for me. 128 00:05:19,648 --> 00:05:21,413 I'm proposing To my girlfriend. 129 00:05:22,682 --> 00:05:24,033 Could this possibly Get any worse? 130 00:05:24,056 --> 00:05:25,214 - oh, you're right. You're right. 131 00:05:25,238 --> 00:05:26,173 This isn't fair. 132 00:05:26,196 --> 00:05:27,770 I shouldn't ask you to stay. 133 00:05:27,793 --> 00:05:29,335 I'm just gonna call The restaurant. 134 00:05:29,358 --> 00:05:32,018 Probably can't stop The fireworks, but, uh... 135 00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:34,349 - oh, all right. I'm here. 136 00:05:34,372 --> 00:05:35,787 I might as well stay. 137 00:05:35,810 --> 00:05:37,385 - oh, thank you. 138 00:05:37,407 --> 00:05:38,917 Thank you. I'm just so nervous 139 00:05:38,940 --> 00:05:40,291 About the proposal. 140 00:05:40,314 --> 00:05:41,504 I've been practicing all day. 141 00:05:41,527 --> 00:05:44,379 And, uh, would you mind If I run it by you? 142 00:05:47,691 --> 00:05:50,735 You're not joking. 143 00:05:50,758 --> 00:05:52,609 Okay, fine. 144 00:05:55,997 --> 00:05:57,507 - my darling, angelique. 145 00:05:57,530 --> 00:05:59,827 - "Angelique." 146 00:06:01,682 --> 00:06:03,384 - before I ever laid Eyes on you, 147 00:06:03,407 --> 00:06:06,546 My life was filled with love, Laughter, and song. 148 00:06:06,568 --> 00:06:07,824 - well, that's pretty. 149 00:06:07,847 --> 00:06:09,613 - and then I saw your face, 150 00:06:09,635 --> 00:06:11,178 And I knew I'd never Heard music, 151 00:06:11,201 --> 00:06:14,244 Never laughed, never truly loved Until that moment. 152 00:06:14,267 --> 00:06:16,128 - I like that bit as well. 153 00:06:16,151 --> 00:06:17,693 - my darling, darling... 154 00:06:17,716 --> 00:06:20,824 - joy. - angelique... 155 00:06:20,847 --> 00:06:22,164 Will you marry me? 156 00:06:22,187 --> 00:06:23,411 - I will. 157 00:06:23,434 --> 00:06:24,849 I do. I shall. 158 00:06:24,871 --> 00:06:27,115 - okay! 159 00:06:27,138 --> 00:06:28,968 I'm feeling Much more confident now. 160 00:06:28,991 --> 00:06:30,214 All right, so listen. 161 00:06:30,237 --> 00:06:31,747 Jacob's pull-ups are In the bathroom cabinet. 162 00:06:31,770 --> 00:06:33,249 He's pretty much Potty trained now, 163 00:06:33,272 --> 00:06:35,005 But he still likes To wear one on his head. 164 00:06:35,028 --> 00:06:36,922 - ha. Who doesn't? 165 00:06:36,945 --> 00:06:40,042 - hey, jacob, come on out And meet your babysitter. 166 00:06:41,832 --> 00:06:43,756 - what happened To pretty cindy? 167 00:06:43,779 --> 00:06:45,801 - oh, sorry, kid. 168 00:06:45,824 --> 00:06:47,430 - yes, tonight, You're stuck with 169 00:06:47,453 --> 00:06:49,942 "Why did I buy a new dress" Joy. 170 00:06:52,692 --> 00:06:54,936 - oh, how humiliating. 171 00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:58,035 Tell it again. 172 00:06:58,058 --> 00:06:59,886 Oh, okay, fine. 173 00:06:59,910 --> 00:07:02,506 So what did the spanx Do to you? 174 00:07:02,529 --> 00:07:05,285 - well, not to belittle Your experience, joy, 175 00:07:05,308 --> 00:07:08,703 But your experience is So much smaller than mine was. 176 00:07:08,726 --> 00:07:11,354 So it was still a few days Before joy needed the spanx, 177 00:07:11,376 --> 00:07:14,037 So I thought, "Well, I'm poor and out of work. 178 00:07:14,060 --> 00:07:18,252 That's the perfect time To believe in magic." 179 00:07:18,276 --> 00:07:20,297 Within an hour Of putting them on, 180 00:07:20,321 --> 00:07:22,214 My agent called me With an audition in new york 181 00:07:22,237 --> 00:07:24,257 For a major motion picture. 182 00:07:24,281 --> 00:07:25,918 Oh, amanda. 183 00:07:25,941 --> 00:07:27,963 Of course I'll forgive you. 184 00:07:27,986 --> 00:07:29,400 No matter what you do, 185 00:07:29,423 --> 00:07:32,021 You'll always be My little girl. 186 00:07:32,043 --> 00:07:33,617 Hello? 187 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,118 - oh, hi. Perfect timing. 188 00:07:35,141 --> 00:07:36,907 Melanie, This is victoria chase. 189 00:07:36,930 --> 00:07:38,886 Victoria, you must know Melanie griffith. 190 00:07:38,909 --> 00:07:40,516 - of course. Melanie, we've never met, 191 00:07:40,539 --> 00:07:42,080 But I love your work. - I love your work. 192 00:07:42,103 --> 00:07:43,998 - and I love your shoes. - and I love your shoes. 193 00:07:44,021 --> 00:07:45,403 - and I love my shoes. 194 00:07:45,425 --> 00:07:46,713 Why don't I start The tape rolling 195 00:07:46,735 --> 00:07:48,086 So you two can read Together? 196 00:07:48,109 --> 00:07:49,747 - okay. - read together? 197 00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:50,961 - yeah, I'm amanda. 198 00:07:50,984 --> 00:07:54,315 I'll be playing your daughter In the movie. 199 00:07:54,338 --> 00:07:56,007 - you're playing my dau... 200 00:07:56,031 --> 00:07:58,308 You're playing my daughter? 201 00:07:58,331 --> 00:08:00,990 Obviously, there has been Some sort of mistake. 202 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,034 - what kind of mistake? 203 00:08:03,058 --> 00:08:04,088 - melanie, 204 00:08:04,112 --> 00:08:05,877 You're a beautiful, Talented woman, 205 00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,346 But I am not sure That an audience 206 00:08:07,370 --> 00:08:08,400 Would buy you as my daughter. 207 00:08:08,423 --> 00:08:10,125 I mean, come on. 208 00:08:10,148 --> 00:08:13,372 Look at us. We're virtually the same age. 209 00:08:16,473 --> 00:08:17,822 Okay, good. Fine. Wonderful. 210 00:08:17,845 --> 00:08:19,356 Let's just jump right in. 211 00:08:19,379 --> 00:08:20,718 - okay. 212 00:08:22,573 --> 00:08:24,690 Oh, amanda. 213 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,734 Of course I'll forgive you. 214 00:08:26,757 --> 00:08:31,047 No matter what you do, You'll always be my little... 215 00:08:31,069 --> 00:08:33,857 My little... 216 00:08:33,880 --> 00:08:35,709 You caught me. 217 00:08:35,732 --> 00:08:38,776 You see, I didn't actually Read the script. 218 00:08:38,799 --> 00:08:42,608 um, is this some sort Of avatar, cgi thing? 219 00:08:42,632 --> 00:08:45,387 Perhaps we're both green With tails. 220 00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:47,016 - no. - I see. 221 00:08:47,039 --> 00:08:49,891 Then am I getting punked? Should I act surprised? 222 00:08:49,914 --> 00:08:51,009 - no. 223 00:08:51,032 --> 00:08:54,171 - c'est une comedie grotesque? 224 00:08:54,194 --> 00:08:56,919 - you mean the french conceit Where the roles of the play 225 00:08:56,941 --> 00:08:59,984 Are cast with the most Unsuitable actors possible? 226 00:09:00,007 --> 00:09:02,796 No. 227 00:09:02,819 --> 00:09:04,297 - let's just run the scene 228 00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:05,957 And try to have fun With it, okay? 229 00:09:05,980 --> 00:09:07,331 Melanie, why don't you start? 230 00:09:07,355 --> 00:09:10,238 - all right. 231 00:09:10,261 --> 00:09:13,241 Mother, there's nothing left For me in gatorsburg, 232 00:09:13,264 --> 00:09:16,274 But if I leave, will you ever Be able to forgive me? 233 00:09:16,297 --> 00:09:19,436 Oh, amanda... 234 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:21,449 Of course I'll forgive you. 235 00:09:21,472 --> 00:09:22,599 No matter what you do here... 236 00:09:22,622 --> 00:09:25,027 - victoria, Just read it normally. 237 00:09:25,050 --> 00:09:26,304 - normally? 238 00:09:26,327 --> 00:09:29,434 Why, whatever do you mean? 239 00:09:29,457 --> 00:09:31,797 - he means just use Your regular voice. 240 00:09:31,821 --> 00:09:35,280 You know, my own mother is only A few years older than you. 241 00:09:35,303 --> 00:09:37,771 You take that back. 242 00:09:37,793 --> 00:09:39,463 Nobody knows how old I am. 243 00:09:39,486 --> 00:09:42,019 I am an evergreen. 244 00:09:42,042 --> 00:09:44,063 - well, maybe we should just Cut you in half 245 00:09:44,086 --> 00:09:47,066 And count the rings. 246 00:09:47,089 --> 00:09:48,854 - you know, it is just So crazy to think 247 00:09:48,877 --> 00:09:52,176 That anyone with eyes Could believe that I bore you. 248 00:09:52,199 --> 00:09:54,796 - actually, you do bore me. 249 00:09:54,819 --> 00:09:56,137 - how dare you? 250 00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:59,906 You busty, Bleach-blonde bombshell. 251 00:09:59,929 --> 00:10:01,791 - hey, I am a natural blonde. 252 00:10:01,814 --> 00:10:03,547 But while we're On the subject, 253 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:06,135 You might want to rethink Those gray hairs 254 00:10:06,158 --> 00:10:08,371 That you're passing off As highlights. 255 00:10:08,394 --> 00:10:12,107 - I bet the only magazine You ever read is highlights. 256 00:10:12,130 --> 00:10:14,343 - ooh. Nice comeback... 257 00:10:14,367 --> 00:10:15,461 Mommy. 258 00:10:15,485 --> 00:10:17,249 Don't you walk away from me. 259 00:10:17,272 --> 00:10:19,678 - ah-ya! 260 00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,265 You forget that I did All my own stunts 261 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,670 in crazy in alabama. 262 00:10:23,693 --> 00:10:26,832 - and you forget a little Lifetime original movie 263 00:10:26,855 --> 00:10:29,355 called soccer mom ninja. 264 00:10:29,378 --> 00:10:32,155 - ah! 265 00:10:38,002 --> 00:10:39,161 - so clearly, I have been cursed 266 00:10:39,183 --> 00:10:40,279 By these stupid spanx. 267 00:10:40,303 --> 00:10:42,451 Now all over show business, Victoria chase 268 00:10:42,474 --> 00:10:44,655 Is known as A "Difficult actress." 269 00:10:44,677 --> 00:10:47,391 - to watch? 270 00:10:51,258 --> 00:10:53,152 - oh, elka. 271 00:10:53,175 --> 00:10:57,623 Dear, sweet, Shar-pei in a sweatshirt elka. 272 00:10:57,647 --> 00:10:59,858 - so what do you blame The girdle for? 273 00:10:59,882 --> 00:11:01,999 - oh, well, in my case, I just wanted 274 00:11:02,022 --> 00:11:03,660 To look better in the dress I was wearing. 275 00:11:03,683 --> 00:11:06,886 See, I've had my eye on This cute guy for a few weeks, 276 00:11:06,909 --> 00:11:08,644 And he goes into stormi's Every saturday, 277 00:11:08,666 --> 00:11:11,474 So I thought I would take The spanx out for a stroll. 278 00:11:14,543 --> 00:11:16,212 - hi. Is this seat taken? 279 00:11:16,235 --> 00:11:18,480 - uh, no. 280 00:11:18,503 --> 00:11:19,885 Although I keep Putting my coat on it 281 00:11:19,909 --> 00:11:22,697 And taking my coat back off And putting it back on again. 282 00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:24,901 I'm sort of saving it For this cute guy over there 283 00:11:24,924 --> 00:11:25,890 Who doesn't even know I exist. 284 00:11:25,913 --> 00:11:27,072 And why am I still talking? 285 00:11:27,094 --> 00:11:28,254 You just want to sit. I'm sorry. 286 00:11:28,277 --> 00:11:29,212 Sit, please. 287 00:11:29,235 --> 00:11:31,513 - thanks. 288 00:11:31,536 --> 00:11:33,205 You know, I'm kind of here For the same reason. 289 00:11:33,228 --> 00:11:34,706 There's this really cute guy I've been watching. 290 00:11:34,729 --> 00:11:35,664 - oh, no. 291 00:11:35,687 --> 00:11:37,038 Does he look like rob lowe, 292 00:11:37,061 --> 00:11:39,338 Only blonder and, Ironically, smarter? 293 00:11:39,361 --> 00:11:40,678 Is he playing darts over there? 294 00:11:40,701 --> 00:11:42,180 Please tell me He's not playing darts. 295 00:11:42,203 --> 00:11:44,033 - no, it's the bartender. 296 00:11:44,056 --> 00:11:45,374 - ben! 297 00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:46,907 Oh, we always thought He was gay. 298 00:11:46,931 --> 00:11:48,888 But you just go for it. 299 00:11:48,911 --> 00:11:50,421 Would you like me To introduce you? 300 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:53,264 Because we're sort of friends. - oh, no. I'm way too shy, 301 00:11:53,287 --> 00:11:55,277 Which is why I wrote him this note. 302 00:11:55,300 --> 00:11:58,119 Maybe you could give it To him for me. 303 00:11:58,142 --> 00:11:59,524 I mean, kind of romantic, Right? 304 00:11:59,547 --> 00:12:00,993 - oh, yeah. Sure... 305 00:12:01,016 --> 00:12:03,165 In a third grade Sort of way. 306 00:12:03,188 --> 00:12:07,477 Ben, if I had a note From somebody who liked you, 307 00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:11,182 Would you be hoping it was From a girl or a guy? 308 00:12:11,206 --> 00:12:14,856 - that depends On what it says. 309 00:12:14,879 --> 00:12:19,168 - here. 310 00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:20,318 What? What are you doing? 311 00:12:20,341 --> 00:12:21,436 Ben? 312 00:12:21,459 --> 00:12:22,969 "Empty the cash register. I have a gun"? 313 00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:25,365 That's not very romantic. 314 00:12:25,387 --> 00:12:28,015 Oh! Ooh. 315 00:12:28,038 --> 00:12:29,198 - thanks. 316 00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:31,710 And good luck with your guy. - oh, thank... 317 00:12:34,586 --> 00:12:36,001 - let me through! I'm a doctor! 318 00:12:36,024 --> 00:12:37,279 - a doctor? 319 00:12:37,302 --> 00:12:38,556 I mean, help her! 320 00:12:38,579 --> 00:12:40,536 Somebody call an ambulance! 321 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:41,686 Stat! 322 00:12:41,709 --> 00:12:44,753 - thanks. 323 00:12:44,776 --> 00:12:46,062 - I need more Than these napkins 324 00:12:46,085 --> 00:12:47,595 To make a tourniquet. 325 00:12:47,618 --> 00:12:51,493 I need something With compression. 326 00:12:51,515 --> 00:12:55,314 Does anybody here have anything That's strong and stretchy? 327 00:12:57,966 --> 00:13:00,595 It's a matter Of life or death! 328 00:13:00,618 --> 00:13:02,320 - I have something That can help. 329 00:13:02,343 --> 00:13:04,906 But you have to turn away. 330 00:13:04,929 --> 00:13:06,334 I said turn away. 331 00:13:19,272 --> 00:13:20,718 - you know, these spanx Really look great 332 00:13:20,741 --> 00:13:21,773 While you're wearing 'em, 333 00:13:21,796 --> 00:13:23,752 But they Are not pretty to take off. 334 00:13:23,775 --> 00:13:26,052 I mean, as soon as you Roll down the waistband, 335 00:13:26,074 --> 00:13:29,757 This creates this totally Unnatural spillage, right? 336 00:13:29,780 --> 00:13:31,642 It's like your stomach Is a volcano, 337 00:13:31,665 --> 00:13:34,900 And layers of molten lava 338 00:13:34,923 --> 00:13:38,829 Was just, like, Flapping over the top. 339 00:13:38,852 --> 00:13:41,097 - okay, I've heard enough. 340 00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,514 Stop blaming An innocent girdle. 341 00:13:44,537 --> 00:13:46,079 You're desperate. 342 00:13:46,102 --> 00:13:47,516 You're vain. 343 00:13:47,539 --> 00:13:51,286 And you're gullible. 344 00:13:51,309 --> 00:13:54,469 - I say we burn her too. 345 00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:02,752 Oh, right after I speak To my agent. 346 00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,413 Here. 347 00:14:04,436 --> 00:14:06,479 - oh, I'll get it. 348 00:14:09,642 --> 00:14:11,472 Oh, hi. It's you. 349 00:14:11,495 --> 00:14:14,507 Dr..."I'm a doctor." 350 00:14:16,031 --> 00:14:18,116 Yeah, I'm sorry. Actually, I don't know your name. 351 00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:19,936 - I'm aaron. - I'm... 352 00:14:19,959 --> 00:14:22,875 - melanie hope moretti. 353 00:14:22,898 --> 00:14:24,313 I have your wallet. - oh. 354 00:14:24,336 --> 00:14:25,623 - you must have dropped it 355 00:14:25,646 --> 00:14:28,582 When you were trying To give me your girdle. 356 00:14:34,972 --> 00:14:36,163 - spanx. 357 00:14:36,186 --> 00:14:37,684 - you're welcome. 358 00:14:41,456 --> 00:14:43,222 Anyway, your license Had your address... 359 00:14:43,245 --> 00:14:44,307 - oh! You saw my license? 360 00:14:44,330 --> 00:14:46,543 I mean, yeah, sure, The address is correct, 361 00:14:46,565 --> 00:14:49,513 But, you know, The weight and the age, 362 00:14:49,536 --> 00:14:51,142 It's totally typos. 363 00:14:51,166 --> 00:14:52,676 And that picture. 364 00:14:52,699 --> 00:14:54,273 - that picture's adorable. 365 00:14:54,296 --> 00:14:55,902 - oh, stop it. 366 00:14:55,925 --> 00:14:57,787 You're just saying that. 367 00:14:57,809 --> 00:14:59,959 Say it again. 368 00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:02,386 - okay, how about Over dinner this week? 369 00:15:02,410 --> 00:15:04,910 - well, That would be perfect, 370 00:15:04,933 --> 00:15:07,677 Because I'm gonna be hungry This week. 371 00:15:12,151 --> 00:15:14,907 - I'll call you tomorrow. - I'll answer tomorrow. 372 00:15:14,930 --> 00:15:18,069 And I'll stop doing that. 373 00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:19,922 Don't burn the spanx. 374 00:15:19,944 --> 00:15:21,807 I just got a date With the dreamy doctor. 375 00:15:21,830 --> 00:15:23,499 - and I just got a job. 376 00:15:23,522 --> 00:15:25,830 The videotape of my tussle With melanie griffith 377 00:15:25,853 --> 00:15:28,673 Made the rounds of a few Prominent casting directors, 378 00:15:28,696 --> 00:15:30,398 And I have been offered A star turn 379 00:15:30,421 --> 00:15:32,506 on all my children opposite... 380 00:15:32,529 --> 00:15:34,668 Susan lucci. 381 00:15:38,183 --> 00:15:40,991 - will you be playing Her mother too? 382 00:15:45,401 --> 00:15:46,464 - no. 383 00:15:46,486 --> 00:15:48,316 I am going to chew her up And spit her out 384 00:15:48,339 --> 00:15:50,297 And hope there's a mouthwash Strong enough 385 00:15:50,319 --> 00:15:52,566 To get the taste of bitch Out of my mouth. 386 00:15:52,589 --> 00:15:54,386 I am back! 387 00:15:54,409 --> 00:15:55,535 - congrats. 388 00:15:55,558 --> 00:15:57,484 Let's celebrate this With a glass of wine 389 00:15:57,507 --> 00:15:59,688 In front of a roaring fire Of spanx. 390 00:15:59,712 --> 00:16:01,317 - no! I need those for my date. 391 00:16:01,340 --> 00:16:05,821 - I'll buy you a new pair With my babysitting money. 392 00:16:05,843 --> 00:16:08,205 Where are my matches? 393 00:16:10,826 --> 00:16:12,017 Jacob. 394 00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,422 - what is it? 395 00:16:13,445 --> 00:16:16,169 - the little boy I babysat for Drew this picture of me. 396 00:16:16,192 --> 00:16:18,468 - oh, it's a smiley face. 397 00:16:18,491 --> 00:16:21,716 - he got the stick-figure Part right. 398 00:16:23,667 --> 00:16:25,241 - well, it's not very good. 399 00:16:25,264 --> 00:16:27,764 - he's just three. 400 00:16:27,786 --> 00:16:29,489 - so how come you're smiling In that picture 401 00:16:29,512 --> 00:16:30,958 If you had such A terrible time? 402 00:16:30,981 --> 00:16:32,938 - it wasn't terrible. 403 00:16:32,961 --> 00:16:36,357 To be honest, jacob and I had A wonderful evening together. 404 00:16:36,380 --> 00:16:38,815 "Sweet dreams, mr. Moon. 405 00:16:38,838 --> 00:16:41,019 "Sweet dreams, mr. Star. 406 00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:44,533 "Sweet dreams, mr. Comet, Wherever you are. 407 00:16:44,556 --> 00:16:46,769 "Sweet dreams, little truck. 408 00:16:46,792 --> 00:16:49,356 Sweet dreams, little duck." 409 00:16:49,378 --> 00:16:52,007 Good god, This book is tedious, 410 00:16:52,030 --> 00:16:55,042 Don't you think, jacob? 411 00:16:55,064 --> 00:16:59,098 And perhaps that's the point. 412 00:16:59,121 --> 00:17:00,471 This is silly. 413 00:17:00,494 --> 00:17:01,877 I took care of a little boy. 414 00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:03,346 It was fine. Now it's over. 415 00:17:03,369 --> 00:17:04,528 - are you sure? 416 00:17:04,551 --> 00:17:06,476 - no. 417 00:17:06,499 --> 00:17:07,722 I'm not. 418 00:17:07,745 --> 00:17:09,575 - you know, They say the urge to mother 419 00:17:09,598 --> 00:17:11,203 Is purely chemical. 420 00:17:11,226 --> 00:17:12,705 Your body tells you It's ready, 421 00:17:12,727 --> 00:17:17,080 So you get knocked up, And then you spit one out. 422 00:17:17,103 --> 00:17:19,827 That's how it happened Both times for me. 423 00:17:19,851 --> 00:17:22,052 - victoria, you have Three children. 424 00:17:25,983 --> 00:17:28,004 - I know I have a grown son Out there somewhere, 425 00:17:28,027 --> 00:17:29,889 But I didn't raise him. 426 00:17:29,912 --> 00:17:31,901 And before it's too late, I'd like to raise a child 427 00:17:31,924 --> 00:17:33,211 Of my own. 428 00:17:33,234 --> 00:17:35,222 I think I might be good at it. 429 00:17:35,245 --> 00:17:38,800 - I bet You would be good at it. 430 00:17:38,823 --> 00:17:40,301 - and? 431 00:17:40,325 --> 00:17:42,441 - no "And." 432 00:17:42,464 --> 00:17:45,923 Just take the compliment. 433 00:17:45,946 --> 00:17:47,233 - elka's right. 434 00:17:47,256 --> 00:17:48,926 You would make a great mom. 435 00:17:48,949 --> 00:17:50,969 You're responsible. You're fun. 436 00:17:50,992 --> 00:17:52,215 You're caring. 437 00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:56,718 - so how long we gonna Yank her chain? 438 00:17:56,741 --> 00:17:59,519 You're too old. 439 00:18:00,798 --> 00:18:02,756 - well, it's not impossible. 440 00:18:02,779 --> 00:18:04,513 The scroggs women are famous For having babies 441 00:18:04,536 --> 00:18:06,972 Later in life, And there's always adoption. 442 00:18:06,994 --> 00:18:10,230 - yeah, you gave one away. You deserve one back. 443 00:18:10,253 --> 00:18:11,444 You know, it's like The give-a-penny, 444 00:18:11,467 --> 00:18:13,776 Take-a-penny tray At the gas station. 445 00:18:13,799 --> 00:18:15,787 - I know the timing Couldn't be worse 446 00:18:15,810 --> 00:18:17,289 For me to come To this epiphany, 447 00:18:17,312 --> 00:18:20,227 But the thought Of it makes me happy. 448 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:23,644 Maybe these turned out To be lucky for me too. 449 00:18:23,668 --> 00:18:25,657 - my turn. 450 00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,351 - wait a minute. 451 00:18:27,374 --> 00:18:29,938 I thought you didn't believe In magic. 452 00:18:29,961 --> 00:18:33,536 - desperate times call For desperate measures. 453 00:18:37,339 --> 00:18:38,658 - it says here that it takes 454 00:18:38,681 --> 00:18:42,523 An average of 22 months for A woman over 40 to get pregnant. 455 00:18:42,546 --> 00:18:44,182 - is that counting The 18 months 456 00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:47,760 It'll take you to find somebody Willing to go there? 457 00:18:47,783 --> 00:18:49,550 Oh, look. Here we go. 458 00:18:49,573 --> 00:18:51,657 Grady's up to bat. 459 00:18:53,086 --> 00:18:54,373 - bam! Wow! 460 00:18:54,396 --> 00:18:56,449 Grady sizemore's having Some kind of game. 461 00:18:56,471 --> 00:18:58,141 That's three home runs today. 462 00:18:58,165 --> 00:19:00,281 And is it just me, Or does grady's uniform 463 00:19:00,304 --> 00:19:02,389 Look a little smoother Than usual? 464 00:19:02,412 --> 00:19:05,030 I mean, I cannot see a line. 465 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,013 - that's right. 466 00:19:11,036 --> 00:19:13,313 I spanx'd him.